Been having some issues, they're ugly! been hard to write feeling the way i have been so depressed and all.
to try and get back into things i thought i would start with a short story, thanks to the lovely Victoria Adams it is edited and ready to go. i hope you it disturbs you.
God
Forgive Me
Jason
Mueller
Terry
stood in the scalding water trying to wash the dirty feeling from his soul: no
amount of scrubbing would take the guilt away. Deep soul wrenching sobs making
his body shake, how could he do this to Mary? This wasn’t like him! Now she
knew, her heart was broken and she wanted a divorce.
They had made it through his first affair after much pain
and suffering for the both of them. Things were going well enough; at least
Terry thought things were OK. He knew he was battling depression and that he
was miserable with life in general, but he loved Mary and he was happy with her.
She was the one bright spot in his life. How he wished that he could show her how
much she meant to him.
Then he met someone on Facebook. He wasn’t looking for
anyone, he really loved his wife. His Facebook buddy was a great friend and
shared the common ground of writing. Collaboration was easy, and they even
joined a contest together. All the teasing and plotting together and excitement
turned to inappropriate conversations. “How could I be so stupid?” he fumed. Finally
when he was confronted he told her no more of that talk and that had been the
end.
He liked the girl on Facebook. She was a good writing
partner and the creative input was stimulating making his mind hum with various
book ideas. Allowing things to get out of hand had cost him not only his wife
but a friend that could help with writing and career. Even at that he would
lose a thousand friends and careers to keep his wife but now maybe things had
gone too far for her to forgive; maybe now she was hurt too much.
Drying off h went into the bedroom; she sat on the bed
staring off into space. He reached for her; she pulled away. There were no
tears this time, just a blank stare. She seemed emotionally frozen,
unreachable.
“Honey please! You have
to know how sorry I am, please let me fix this! I will do whatever it takes.”
“Terry it’s too late I’m over it, I’m over you, I’m over
everything.”
She got up from the bed and left the room leaving him
alone with his guilt and tears. Lying on the bed, holding her pillow, sobbing.
In time mental exhaustion took over and he fell into a deep sleep where his dreams
took him to places he never wanted to go again.
He dreamt of his wife leaving him; saw her in another man’s
arms. Even in his dreams his body was wracked with pain, Ever there he was
sobbing and begging her to forgive him and let him fix himself and their
marriage. But she ignored him and walked away.
He awoke feeling exhausted but more determined to
reconcile if she would let him. He finished dressing grabbing a pair of shorts
and a T-shirt from the dresser. Making his way down stairs he looked for her Mary.
Not finding her he called out for her, no answer. Panic
seemed to creep in and over take him. Something was wrong, he could feel it.
There was this sense of evil in the air. He couldn’t explain why he felt this
way but it seemed to overpower him, like as smell of something gone bad. Dashing through the house, Terry checked every
room, finally reaching garage. There he found Mary hanging from the rafters by
her neck; her face was blue and her eyes bulging.
“Mary!” He sobbed rushing to her, trying to free her body
and yet knowing in his heart he was too late. He couldn’t manage to take her
weight and undo the knot so he sadly released her body and watched her as she
dangled like a macabre decoration. Running back to the kitchen, he grabbed a
knife from the butcher block. Back out in the garage he tried lifting her again
with one hand while cutting her down with the other.
He lowered his beloved wife to the dirty floor and sat
holding her lifeless body as he sobbed, stroking her hair. Terry now wished that
he could feel that pain of dreams and silent rejection from before. This pain,
this pain felt as though his heart was being ripped from his chest. He held her
until he could cry no more. Mary was gone now and never would return. Terry’s
mind had snapped with grief of his betrayal. To lose her this way was just too
much for him to bear.
“I can’t live without her.” He thought as he lurched into
the house carrying her body. He carried her up to the bedroom laying her gently
on the bed. He removed the rope from her neck. Lovingly he removed her clothes
leaving her naked. In his tormented mind she looked as lovely as she had in
life. She had been his reason for breathing. Now the hatred he felt for himself
filled him with a rage that threatened to consume him. Lost in his now
psychotic grief, he was beyond the reach of reason.
He stripped down lying naked beside her. He leaned over
to give her one last kiss; never, noticing the coolness of her skin. With tears
in his eyes, terry retrieved the knife from where he had left it on the night
stand and lay back against his pillow.
“God forgive me!” He sobbed as he plunged the knife into
his heart. Terry felt the pain of the blade but embraced it as a real pain and
not the shadowy demons that chased him in his dream. He deserved this didn’t
he? In his mind it seemed to be a penance of sorts. As the blood pulsed out of
his damaged heart he finally seemed to find some warmth and happiness. Fading
from the loss of blood Terry envisioned the two of them holding each other in
love and the comfort of God. He hoped that this final desperate act would bring
him the forgiveness he so desperately sought. Falling into darkness he imagined
Mary waiting in heaven for him.
Terry drifted off, not to heaven but to hell, his sins
would never be forgiven. Mary would not wait for him at the gates of heaven.
The two of them lay naked on the bed, she blue with her neck twisted
unnaturally; he with his eyes open and a small smile on his face in a puddle of
blood spreading out against the white sheets with small pastel flowers.
A dark figure moved out of the shadows. Its work was done.
He came to destroy them; and, had done so. Knowing their weaknesses he had
exploited them. For weeks he had whispered into the unheeded parts of Terry’s
mind that he wasn’t happy with life. What could it hurt to just talk to another
woman on the internet? He could do it and just be friends. Once the door was
open the whispers changed now enticing him to his indiscretions while another
black figure whispered into the ear of a woman a thousand miles away urging her
into the excitement of the forbidden. All the while the shadow was whispering
into Mary’s ear that Terry didn’t love her, didn’t need her, didn’t cherish
her, and didn’t think she was attractive anymore and a hundred other lies.
The figure looked down at the two. It felt no compassion
at the tragedy it wrought; only contempt for yet two more humans just like all
the others he had spent eternity destroying. The figure left the bedroom without
a sound walking away from the crumpled beings and shattered souls.
Terry awoke with a start. The pain was incredible. He was
burning in a sea of fire, black shadows all round. In the distance he could
hear Mary’s screams of anguish. By driving her to her own destruction, he had
sentenced her to live in hell with him. Now he would live with his guilt and
her torment for eternity.
